We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
