Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
