new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
