I wish my penis had an off switch
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I deserve this hangover.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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