He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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