my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
