its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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