the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
