I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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