take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
