I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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