OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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