he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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