I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
a search helicopter?!
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
