I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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