The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
