This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
