Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
