i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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