Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
