I met the friendliest cop last night
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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