At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Houston, we have a squirter
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
