I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize
