even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
