My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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