I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
