if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
