3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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