So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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