Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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