i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
