His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
