I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
