Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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