The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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