Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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