listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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