I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
