Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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