she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
