Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
