Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
