I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
