you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
