On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
