The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Randomize
