I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize