that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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