i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
