i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
God I need to hump something, right now.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
