I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
