her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
