if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
