my mouth tastes like poor choices
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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