Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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