my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
