Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
