i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Randomize
