I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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