I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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