I showed him my bush... on skype.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Randomize
