Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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