Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I would fuck him just for his dog
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